Random stuff that happens

In case anyone wants to share in my random thoughts...

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Stress relief

You know you work in a hectic office when the guy opposite you ends up destroying his stress ball!

He's been off for the last six weeks too, and hasn't done any work since he's been back. I guess some of us cope with things better than others

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Shower Power

A friend of mine recently pulled a girl and brought her back to his place for some action. However, things hit a bit of a snag when she complained that she wasn't wet enough yet for him to commence proceedings.

So he grabbed her and took her into the shower.

Thursday, January 19, 2006


If someone says to you "Procrastinate...now!", what do you do?

Rock out with your Coke out

I went to a rock club last weekend and when I told my mate Si he asked if I was rocking out at the time.

I have to admit that I wasn't moshing, smashing up the place or throwing bottles around so I just said, "Well, a bit."

Then I realised that that didn't make much sense. You can't rock out 'a bit'. Rocking out is about going mental. What does rocking out a bit entail? Having a few beers but sticking to Cokes when you hit the government recommended levels of alcohol consumption? Dancing energetically, but making sure you don't spill someone's pint?

My statement just didn't make sense. The rock and roll movement has never been about moderation.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Another Year Begins

So we are now in 2006, and like every year, I've decided to try and make some resolutions. They are the same as every year, like studying harder, drinking less and going to the gym more and so far that is holding. There are a number of things that are annoying about these resolutions though...
  • I can barely do any exercise in my gym at the moment as there are a load of new members and people trying to begin the year with a new exercise regime. This means every rowing machine, treadmill and weights machine is constantly in use.
  • All the girls in the office going on about they were such a bloater last night because they had a 100 calorie meal and that doesn't fit in with their new diet
  • The sheer volume of dieting programmes on TV. The poor victims should be told it like it is. A crash diet is not going to cancel out years of troughing.
  • People saying they are not going to drink in January as part of their detox regime. Bollocks. For a start. But also, if there is ever a month that needs you to drink it is January. Studies have shown that it is officially the dullest month of the year!
Anyway, enough of my ranting. Maybe I should resolve to be more cheerful this year?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


I decided that this year my birthday celebrations should take place in another country. Dublin is a mere 45 minute flight away, and seemed a good option, especially when Ryanair were offering cheap flights over there.

There are loads of stories to tell, so be warned, this is a biggie!


As we sat at the airport, we all started to panic about not having enough alcohol to drink in our rooms before going out. This led to all of us buying a large bottle of spirits each - we were only going for four nights!

In the end we got through about half of it, and that was only after hammering our collection on Saturday. If only we'd planned ahead, things on that first night might have turned out very different...

Just going out for a coke...

I almost suffered a nightmare within an hour of being in Dublin. When getting off the bus outside the hostel, I left my rucksack on there, anxious just to get off as there were arms, legs and bags flying everywhere. 10 minutes later, inside the hostel, I realise what I've done, and rush off back to the stop, which was a minute away. Fortunately, the bus was STILL there, and I ran on to get my bag. The relief was immense. I was a lucky guy!

It is all very well buying vast quantities of vodka, but you have to have something to mix it with (unless you are Russian) and something to drink it out of (unless you are a tramp). We checked into our hostel and then said we needed to head out to get some coke and cups for our vodka. We took a slight detour, via three pubs and a nightclub.

I guess the excitement about our first pint of Guinness in Dublin took over and there was no looking back after that. As always, on your first night on holiday you get 'A Bit of a Thirst On' to quote Jack, and it just snowballs from there.

I was particularly keen to go to the club, as I'd had some good nights there on my last visit to Dublin. It is called Boomerang but Godknows why it is called that - the only thing I can think of is that the hangover felt like I'd been hit on the head by a Boomerang the next day when I woke up!

Rich wasted no time in latching on to something resembling a woman (turns out he wasn't even as picky as that a few nights later!) whilst the rest of us had a bit of a dance. As the night finished we headed over to the fantastically named Abrakebabra to sample it's wonderful foods. Rich's conquest was also in there, and as she left we told Rich that she had waved to him. Rich tried to do a smooth wave back in her direction, but soon realised she had done no such thing and he had looked like a complete prat. He sheepishly mumbled 'She didn't really wave, did she?' as laughter exploded around him.

Walsall Wall action

The only person with a plan the next day was Jack, who was intent on finding a pub showing the Walsall v Merthyr Tydfil FA Cup match. The rest of us didn't really mind what we did. He did manage to find somewhere, which was quite an achievement. He sat there riveted whilst the rest of us managed to show mild interest. Walsall ended up winning 2-1, but Jack was not happy with how the Walsall wall had crumbled to allow Merthyr to score!

We'd seen a place called Fitzsimmons advertised and it looked pretty good, so that was the intended venue for that night. We got there and saw that there was a club part and a bar part. We thought we'd go straight in to the club, and then proceeded to hand over (unwillingly) 13 Euros. It was empty. Gutted.

The club eventually filled up, but the dj was poor and seemed to only have about 4 records. Rich was getting decidedly volatile, and Chris has pulled some girl. Her friend was after some action too but none of us were particularly keen to help. Jack decided the easiest way to let her down was to say Rich and I were both gay, and seeing each other. A simple not interested, or they have girlfriends would have been enough, but that was his excuse for us.

It turned out that after a certain time, the free to get into bar area of Fitzsimmons opened up to access the club. We had paid 13 Euros for nothing!

By the time we left, Rich was on another planet and spent the entire walk back trying to take pictures, pausing occasionally to grind against lamp posts or any bollards he could find. Beth was starting to look very scared on the way back because

1. She was being hit on by a drugged up Irish guy for the most of the walk
2. Rich was in control of her camera
3. She was going to have to share a room with Rich when they got back!

Fortunately, none of these issues proved to be a problem, and everybody lived happily ever after.

That's the Spirit

Saturday night took us to a club called Spirit. Not intentionally. It was a case of following the hundreds of students who were all staying in our hostel. Rich had given himself sentry duty whilst we sat drinking in our room, in order to evaluate the quality of women as they passed by. He had seen enough to get his pulse racing and we all followed.

Despite initially walking in completely the wrong direction, we managed to get back on their trail. We got to Spirit a little unsure if it was the right place. Then we got hit with a cost of 20 Euros to get in. Our 50 Euro a person kitty had already taken a battering and we hadn't had a drink out of it yet!

Drinks were expensive in there and soon the kitty was no more. It didn't matter as we had consumed vast quantities of vodka. Rich and I were happy to stay in the dance arena, whereas the rest of the gang went to explore. They left us later on that night, not quite loving the dance music as much as we were.

This left Rich to go on the pull as only he can. He had soon pulled a Thai lady(boy?) but decided that he might try out another nationality too and was soon snogging a French girl. I had chosen to employ a more domestic approach, latching on to an Irish girl who left my hair all over the place, my face covered in lipstick and was very keen for me to come back to her place. A combination of fear (I'd heard my friend Si's stories about going back to Irish girl's houses), loyalty (Rich had no idea how to get back on his own) and common sense (I didn't have a phone or any way of contacting any of my mates) meant that I made a quick escape.

Rich and I headed outside, with Rich's girl in tow. This was the moment he had been waiting for his whole life, he could use the line 'Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?'. He didn't though, preferring to let me translate it into a slightly less risque sentence. She didn't go for it though. Game over.

Once we arrived back I was subjected to plenty of piss take, as unbeknown to me, this girl had covered me with lipstick. This was nothing compared to the stick that Rich got when he said he had pulled a Thai person and couldn't confirm outright that it wasn't a ladyboy.

We all settled down for more vodka, and then the Gestapo arrived in the form of the hostel supervisor. He marched people off to their rooms and then threatened to chuck Chris out for going to the toilet. He didn't take kindly to this and said in no uncertain terms that he was not going to allow this Nazi to threaten him!

Something we can take pride in is that we were up later than any of the hundred or so students who were staying there. They may think they know it all, but we showed them how drinking was done that night!

The French Connection

The previous night had truly taken its toll the next morning. I don't think we surfaced until 2.30 and then we staggered out to get a Sunday Roast. When it became apparent that that might require some degree of effort we soon went for the chippy we had just walked past.

After a few mouthfuls of the most expensive fish and chips I have ever had, I was full. The others didn't fare much better, except Chris, who, as ever, proceeded to devour everything infront of him.

We decided to be particularly imaginitive that afternoon. We had only seen about an hour of daylight as the evening began and we were back in the pub again. This time for Man U v Chelsea. Jack's rule was obeyed too, in that everyone had to have something alcoholic if sat in the pub, which was a damn good performance after the night before.

Rich had been busy texting his French girl, and had been receiving some scrambled words baclk in reply. He persuaded her to come and meet us in the pub, and arranged to meet her round the corner. He asked me to come along too because she was bringing a friend, and perhaps I could 'get in with her' first. That was one assumption too far. For the second time in two days, when Rich said 'she' he should have said 'he'. It was a gay guy who spoke no English.

This gave way to an excruciating situation where nobody said ANYTHING to the guy, and Rich spoke very little to the French girl, occassionally asking me to help out. I was too hungover to help much and the situation never really improved. The guy left 20 minutes later, without saying goodbye. (Not sure he actually knew how to anyway!)

We decided to head over to Temple Bar, and stopped off in Burger King for some food. Rich and his 'date' had their own table and I'll never forget that sight. Rich was busily eating a greasy burger, whilst this girl looked on in contempt, not eating anything herself, and clearly not wanting to be there.

Not much to say after that. Busker's got a visit before we ended up at The Temple Bar in Temple Bar. I think by this point we were all broken men (and women) and we could really not drink much. It was a relatively early night - we were home by 12.30!

Rich couldn't persuade the French girl to let him stay over. He had tried so hard in the last hour or so, but his Jedi mind tricks/persistence/charm didn't seem to work on French girls. He'd even used our kitty money to buy her drinks!

Guinness is good for you?

We were getting booted out of the hostel at 11am, but our flight wasn't until 6. We figured that we'd do the Guiness factory in that period, which made sense.

To be honest, the factory was a propaganda weapon to some extent. You kept seeing posters for 'Guinness Is Good For You' but the lads who had drank only Guinness for the last four nights reassured me that that was not the case. As Jack pointed out too, the displays made it sound like the Guinness brewers were so kind to us, shipping us millions of pints a year, and going through so much trouble to get these pints to us. I presume the fact that they make millions a year from ruining the livers of drinkers is beside the point?

The highlight of the tour was pouring your own pint of Guinness, but then again, if that is really your thing, you could just get a job in a pub. At 14 Euros each, it wasn't a cheap visit (unless you are Chris and you get a mysterious £8 Geordie discount - he only paid 6 Euros!) The bar at the top of the factory, where we drank our pint, was impressive, and gave you a 360 degree view of Dublin.

Everyone was dead by this point and it was a sombre journey back from there and then on to the airport. The weather was worsening by the time we reached the airport, and the conditions for flying back did not look good. Beth had to have a few hits of Valium before takeoff, and we had to walk out to the plane in the pouring wind and rain. As always, we left boarding to the last minute and so there were hardly any seats left by the time we got on the plane. This meant we were all split up. Not that it mattered. Few of us could manage conversation by this point.

By the time we landed back on planet Earth, Beth was on another planet altogether, the Valium having truly kicked in. It was good to have someone who was cheerful around us, given that the rest of us were all miserably thinking about having to face work the next day!

They say that the sign of a good holiday is that you are glad to get back from it. I think that was definitely the case for us!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Ghetto life!

Ever wondered why to be up to date with what is going on, and to be trendy and cool, you have to be 'street'? Why is that particular form of access any cooler than an avenue, road, drive, lane or close? If you aren't 'street' are you infact one of these less trendy roadways i.e he's a bit 'drive' or she is a bit 'road'?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

A new motor!

After three years, my little ol' Ford Ka has been retired. This little fella has been my party wagon for all this time, taking me on many a journey across the uk. In fact, that has been its main use, as I have never driven to work, and when I am actually in Birmingham I prefer to drink and not drive.

Taking its place is a newer, larger Ford Fiesta which should allow me to get to my drinking venues more quickly. The value of having a CD player compared to a tape player is worth the money alone, as well as being able to go above 90mph. The first run out is to my mate Si's Halloween party down in London. Let battle with the M40 commence!